A Very Special Going Away Card For An Intern

To Fly On Mystic Wings


A Short Story

Part 1

“On This Fallow Earth”

Dark have been the days of late.

Tainted by foul embers that spit from the never-ending fires of Brian “The Bloody Baker” Bradford’s Hellfire Hearth.

For five years, 9 months, 26 days and 7 hours The Bloody Baker’s admin slaves tirelessly disposed of old invoices that had piled up during his terrible reign. Confined to cramped cells they scanned, filed, shredded and burned an endless supply of paperwork from dusk till dawn. It was from these fires that the day-night came. Smoke so thick that it stole the sun from our sky, damning us to night eternal.

And with the light so too was hope extinguished.

However there was one that held hope tightly in hand.

Shellien “The Sanguine Sage” Butts had been one of the Bloody Bakers admin slave for months now and had tirelessly accomplished her endless work. However all the while whilst working she plotted her escape.

As a girl she would spend her summers in The Graceful Grove, a place of untold beauty were only the pure could dwell. It is there that she met her means of future escape. While drinking from the stream she laid her eyes upon the rare and magical winged unicorn Glam’Derlang, slayer of the lifeless. Their friendship grew and he taught her the melody to summon him, sing this melody and he would be there in an instant with help. However it will only work once so she would have to choose her need wisely.

So now that she was confined to this hellish redundant nightmare she plotted her time of escape to the month of Lúnasa.

Her plans complete, she lay in wait in the darkness, ready to unease a divine reckoning upon the land.



Part 2


Shields Will Split and Spears Shall Shatter

A better opportunity could not have shown itself when Shellien was told that The Bloody Baker himself was coming to inspect her workflow.

Finally her chance to break his terrible curse that suffocated this once beautiful land and to take back her freedom.

She heard his footsteps before he came to the door. Powerful and deliberate he walked. A wolf walking amongst sheep he approached his prey.

What he didn’t know was that he was nearing a lioness in sheep’s clothing.

As soon as she saw his titanic figure enter her cell she let fly the melody that Glam’Derlang had taught her.

“Da na naa na na naaaa na na naaa, Da na naa na na naaaa na na naaa!”

Confusion entered the room and for a moment her heart sank as nothing had happened. But then out of the ether she heard it. Faint at first but steady did it grow until the walls of the Hellfire Hearth itself shook. Then with a powerful explosion the southern wall of her cell burst upon allowing the most beautiful double rainbow all the way that anyone had ever seen. On this rainbow rode Glam’Derlang proud and true, however Glam’Derlang was not alone. On Glam’Derlang’s back rode Detroit’s very own RoboCop. Oh Snap!

I must serve and protect...my right to own your face!

One look at this most badass of threats, Brian “The Bloody Baker” Bradford took flight and tried to escape. However one blast of RoboCop’s gummy drop blaster pistol hobbled the Baker and gave Shellien enough time to catch up with him. “Too long have I labored for your benefit without compensation and too long have to had no regard for the land. I will place you in the deepest part of the Hellfire Hearth with your only connection to the outside world a Gateway 2000 PC with only AOL installed. Oh and by the way…it’s dial up bitch.”

Bards still sing of the horrific scream that left the Bloody Bakers mouth.


Part 3


Of Peace And Reconciliation

Upon leaving the Hearth Shellien gazed skyward to see the first ray of light trickle weakly through the now dissipating smoke. A smile crept through her lips as she knew she had won.

It was during this time that The Dirty Panda “Keeper of the Seven Seals, Defender of Crystal Sword, Champion of Beautiful Women” rode forth on his mighty steed Ragnarok. He was the most awesome looking man she had ever seen. “I thank you for the removal of the Baker, he had imprisoned me in a cell of Diamond that not even I could break free of. For your services I give you this.”

It is there that The Dirty Panda handed her the Scepter of the nine winds. A relic that gave the wielder absolute control over the weather.

“I found it over there in the grass.”

And with a wink he rode off into the sunset.

It was right then and there that Shellien realized that she would never be as cool as That Dirty Panda.

Get out. You're fired.

Murder At The Cat Show

It's a cold rainy night in Chesterfield and a group of teenage cats enter an old abandoned theater to escape the rain.

"Maow MAOW!" Exclaimed an exasperated Chairman-Maow

"...Maow maooooh maoh" Retorted Cat-Mon-D

"Maow mmmmmmoah hiss" Threatened Ralph

Three days had passed since any of them had anything to eat and tempers were flaring. They had entered the theater from the back entrance so after some pawing around backstage they found themselves on center stage. It was long abandoned and derelict but the now rotted wood work around the lip of the stage hinted at once glamorous and regal beginning. 


"Maow?" Asked Cat-Mon-D

"Maow maow...Maow!!!!" Joked Chairman-Maow

A Visibly started Cat-Mon-D looked around nervously, trying to see the phantoms that Chairman-Maow had spoke of...none were found...for now.

As the two walked around the corner to catch up with Ralph they stopped dead in their tracks. The only thing Chairman-Maow could say was a horrified...

"MAOW!!!!!"

After that the only noise to be heard was the heavy breath of the largest mouse any of them had ever seen. Violence filled its eyes. They were looking at the eyes of death come to collect. 

-End Chapter 1-

Nom Nom Nom

FEAR ME MORTALS!!!!!

The Jelly Tale

So the other day Jerry the Jellyfish was just floating by minding his own business, not stinging anyone because he was recently laid off from the Oasis Underwater Centralized Hegemony (OUCH for short). Apparently he felt bad for stinging things…quite odd Jellyfish behavior indeed. 

He was pretty down and out as not only was he unemployed but he was having troubles with Mrs. Jerry the Jellyfish, Jessica. Since losing his job she had been eyeing…er…translucent blobbing Jerry’s nemesis from polypoid School Steve (side note, Steve’s a dick). Steve could sting a clownfish from 15 yards, out swim a blowfish and force no fewer than 5 leg stings that would require someone to pee on it. Steve was a HUGE dick. 

While floating around he came upon a lovely sunken ship that turned his frown upside down. 

“This would be the perfect place to take Jessica, she’s been dying to go out lately, and this could be just the thing.”

Just as he was turning around to swim back to tell her the good news he caught something out of the corner of his dome. 

“Oh my jibbling jellies no!” 

Jerry had just witnessed Jessica and Steve dancing the Forbidden Fevered Forty Foxtrot Sting. A dance so dangerous and sexy it was outlawed by Poseidon himself. 

“Jessica your dirty Dolphin, have you no shame!” Shouted Jerry

“Jerry! It’s…it’s not what it looks look, I tripped and..” Stuttered Jessica

“Can you blame her? I mean just look at the stinger definition on these tentacles” boasted Steve

“A draught on both of your houses…” Was all Jerry could muster, and drifted away.

Feeling completely lost and depressed he headed to the Abysmal Depths, the deepest and scariest place of the ocean (this is also where, according to the legends, Carp are made). Once there he shouted into its depths, “Is there no place in this world for a gentle Jellyfish?!?!” 

A rumble filled the waters as schools of fish feverishly swam away from Jerry. 

“You have a place my son, but first you must rid me of a fiendish trouble”

“Poseidon?!?!?! You honor me. What is it that I can do for you?” Said Jerry

“You must rid this ocean of the one you call Steve I fear I have made too perfect a pest.”

“But mighty sea lord I haven’t the power to defeat him he is too awesome, he has a custom made jean jacket and wears sunglasses” Stuttered Jerry

“Then take this my son and steel your heart to what must be done.”

It was right then and there that Jerry was handed a plastic baggy with a jar of peanut butter and two slices of bread. However Jerry was a Jellyfish so he knew no what these were. 

With fire in his heart he swam to the sunken ship where Steve and Jessica where talking nervously. 

“STEVE! It is time you paid for your crimes of being better than everyone, this is 2010 everyone has to be the same! It’s only far.” (I should tell you know Jerry is a Democrat). 

“HAHA and what are you going to do about it? You have the build of a young medusa.”

“I’m going to do this!” And at that point poured the peanut butter all over Steve and slapped both pieces of bread on him. For a moment nothing happened but then out of nowhere the largest shark Jerry had ever seen devoured the Steve sandwich and swam happily by.

There was much rejoicing on Jerry’s end as Jessica returned to him and Jerry got a job as an electrical engineer. 

And thus the story of how the peanut butter and jelly sandwich was created comes to an end. 

Staples...Nom Nom Nom

Pride heralds the end of your world Staple!

Party Elephant

Something terrible happened while preparing for your party.

The whole deal is that this elephant comes to the party and throws down big time, making it the best party on the block. And you know what? It would have been the best party on the block because have you ever partied with an elephant?? Yeah I thought so. An elephant never forgets…to have a badass time.

So I call this guy and schedule one party elephant for you and Jessi and rent out the Parthenon for Friday afternoon. I have soda, pizza and a battleship tournament all ready for us to enjoy. Around that time the elephant makes his way to my tent. As he staggers up to me I can smell the bourbon on his breath.

“I’z thiz teh party????” slurred the party elephant

“Umm…yeah man this is the place. You can set up over there.” I say while pointing to the Parthenon

So he slowly makes his way over there and I approach his agent and ask him if the elephant is ok to party. The agent responds…

“Hey! Cory is a professional! You hear me?? That elephant was partying before you had your first sip of mountain dew code red! Anything that isn’t relevant to party elephants is irelephant!”

So at this point I feel slightly better and walk over to the boombox to get some jams slamming as guests are arriving. I spot an old copy of AC/DC’s “Back In Black” and throw it in. Not two chords into the song I hear a heart stopping scream…

“No!!!!!! Not AC/DC! That’s too much party!!!!!”

Before I can say a word I feel a concussive force that almost knocks me on my feet and a deafening exposition. I look over to what was once the great Parthenon but all that remains is a fiery ruin of granite and pizza bits.

I managed to take a picture.

It was both terrifying and awe-inspiring.

Happy Birthday!!

Birthday Elephant

A Rare Find

Tyrannosaurus Birthdayus Partius

A very rare sub-species of the T-Rex family, often confused with Tyrockosaurus Your Face Off-ius.

It is known for its affinity for Capri-suns and chocolate cake (which it often eats in excess of). It’s natural habitat is that of the Pizza Party.

Some notable party games it is known for are: Pin the talon on the caveman, Bobbing for pterodactyl eggs, and Battleship.

Space Turtle

Oh Happy Day!

Here is a picture of a kid riding a turtle. It’s nice.

Although we can delve deeper into the subtle message that this apparently innocent picture holds.

You see we are all permanent riders of this slow ride we call time (i.e. the turtle). We, the child, cannot simply jump off of this “turtle” for if we did we would find ourselves lost in the sands of time (the beach) forever falling through this hourglass we call the universe (the sea). Therefore we must see this ride for what it truly is, a badass party hat wearing multi-colored massive 2-D turtle that transcends both time and space.

So sit back, grab a drink and some friends, and enjoy the ride! 

-That Dirty Panda

To Fly On Mystic Wings

To Fly On Mystic Wings

A Short Story

Part 1

“On This Fallow Earth”

Dark have been the days of late.

Tainted by foul embers that spit from the never-ending fires of Brian “The Bloody Baker” Bradford’s Hellfire Hearth.

For five years, 9 months, 26 days and 7 hours The Bloody Baker’s admin slaves tirelessly disposed of old invoices that had piled up during his terrible reign. Confined to cramped cells they scanned, filed, shredded and burned an endless supply of paperwork from dusk till dawn. It was from these fires that the day-night came. Smoke so thick that it stole the sun from our sky, damning us to night eternal.

And with the light so too was hope extinguished.

However there was one that held hope tightly in hand.

Shellien “The Sanguine Sage” Butts had been one of the Bloody Bakers admin slave for months now and had tirelessly accomplished her endless work. However all the while whilst working she plotted her escape.

As a girl she would spend her summers in The Graceful Grove, a place of untold beauty were only the pure could dwell. It is there that she met her means of future escape. While drinking from the stream she laid her eyes upon the rare and magical winged unicorn Glam’Derlang, slayer of the lifeless. Their friendship grew and he taught her the melody to summon him, sing this melody and he would be there in an instant with help. However it will only work once so she would have to choose her need wisely.

So now that she was confined to this hellish redundant nightmare she plotted her time of escape to the month of Lúnasa.

Her plans complete, she lay in wait in the darkness, ready to unease a divine reckoning upon the land.

Part 2

Shields Will Split and Spears Shall Shatter

A better opportunity could not have shown itself when Shellien was told that The Bloody Baker himself was coming to inspect her workflow.

Finally her chance to break his terrible curse that suffocated this once beautiful land and to take back her freedom.

She heard his footsteps before he came to the door. Powerful and deliberate he walked. A wolf walking amongst sheep he approached his prey.

What he didn’t know was that he was nearing a lioness in sheep’s clothing.

As soon as she saw his titanic figure enter her cell she let fly the melody that Glam’Derlang had taught her.

“Da na naa na na naaaa na na naaa, Da na naa na na naaaa na na naaa!”

Confusion entered the room and for a moment her heart sank as nothing had happened. But then out of the ether she heard it. Faint at first but steady did it grow until the walls of the Hellfire Hearth itself shook. Then with a powerful explosion the southern wall of her cell burst upon allowing the most beautiful double rainbow all the way that anyone had ever seen. On this rainbow rode Glam’Derlang proud and true, however Glam’Derlang was not alone. On Glam’Derlang’s back rode Detroit’s very own RoboCop. Oh Snap!

I must serve and protect...My right to own your face.

One look at this most badass of threats, Brian “The Bloody Baker” Bradford took flight and tried to escape. However one blast of RoboCop’s gummy drop blaster pistol hobbled the Baker and gave Shellien enough time to catch up with him. “Too long have I labored for your benefit without compensation and too long have to had no regard for the land. I will place you in the deepest part of the Hellfire Hearth with your only connection to the outside world a Gateway 2000 PC with only AOL installed. Oh and by the way…it’s dial up bitch.”

Bards still sing of the horrific scream that left the Bloody Bakers mouth.

Part 3

Of Peace And Reconciliation

Upon leaving the Hearth Shellien gazed skyward to see the first ray of light trickle weakly through the now dissipating smoke. A smile crept through her lips as she knew she had won.

It was during this time that The Dirty Panda “Keeper of the Seven Seals, Defender of Crystal Sword, Champion of Beautiful Women” rode forth on his mighty steed Ragnarok. He was the most awesome looking man she had ever seen. “I thank you for the removal of the Baker, he had imprisoned me in a cell of Diamond that not even I could break free of. For your services I give you this.”

It is there that The Dirty Panda handed her the Scepter of the nine winds. A relic that gave the wielder absolute control over the weather.

“I found it over there in the grass.”

And with a wink he rode off into the sunset.

It was right then and there that Shellien realized that she would never be as cool as That Dirty Panda.